Kieran Kiely
Kieran "The First Martian" Kiely is somewhat human but mainly scientists believe he has mutated from crystallized sodium chloride (The deadliest substance known to man). Normally he can be found mining for gold (which is found un-combined in the earth's crust), yet so far all his gold mining attempts have proved useless and all he has found have been several pirate treasures and a t-shirt that says "I love Bacon". Kylie frequently attends school when he isn't locked in his father's porn dungeon. Once at school, he goes by the name "Congo Jack" and is rarely seen due to him being trapped in a locker similar to how he was portrayed in the famous novel: "Trapped in the Locker" by Sean Gallacher. Personal Life Kylie is currently a gay seventeen year old die hard Iron Maiden fan with no real job after his permanently ended stripper career which just came to a close after he caused a lot of collateral damage to a local burlesque house. The burlesque house fire (now known as "The Great Burlesque House Fire of '08") was brought to an end when drunk fire fighters came to put it out using only children's water guns and semen. Kylie was brought to court under the case of arson, the court later discovered it was Christopher O'neill that set the house on fire not Kylie, he was then released from all charges. Later to his discovery, be was brought to court the next week with eighteen counts of drunk/reckless driving and was fined £80,000, banned from driving until 2032 and sentenced to jail for 6 months. The Early Years When Kylie reached the good old age of seven, his parents thought it would be fun to take him to a concentration camp where he learned to concentrate. While at this camp, he was taken to a private room and was cursed by a gypsy so that he would become a zebra when he least expects it. On his attempt to leave the room after the gypsy cursed him, he was foiled by the camera man and was raped by him then the gypsy got a piece of this action as she joined in. Once in his first transformation into the zebra form, he went to a local practitioner and chainsaw repairer Dr Martinson. Martinson used a variety of techniques to help the lonely, ugly, deformed zebra go back to his human self but all failed. The practitioner told his parents that they should lock the zebra away in a castle guarded by a dragon until he awaits true loves first kiss. Unfortunately for his parents, Kylie returned to human form unexpectedly. The Teenage Years When Kieran had reached the age of 10, one day when he was getting dressed, his father was spying on him and realised he makes a really good stripper, so he was then informed and ordered to fill in an application form to join the local burlesque house which finally after eight gruelling slave labour months later he got accepted. Once at the burlesque house, he performed six times a week under the alias "Big Fat Black Chick 12", during his performances, many roughnecks of the crowd used to throw items at him like their underwear and their car doors while he performed. One day while performing a rough trick named Alex asked him to go on a date, this date ended poorly as Alex took him to a car boot sale where Kylie bought a copy of this months "Colonscopy Patients and their Results", only to realise Alex failed his colonscopy, turns out he keeps several small animals up there including the gerbil and the Indian weasel. Six months in jail Between November '08 and April '09, Kylie spend 6 months in jail due to many counts of drunk/reckless driving. Repeatedly reported in many major newspapers and magazines was the fact that Kieran was raped again! It is still unknown, how many times he was raped but we believe he proved no retaliation against these said "rapes" and in fact, brought them upon himself. Kylie was locked up in cell 7B and every night was "anal probed" by his room-mate Jim who in turn slept in the same bed as Kieran because he was scared. While in jail, Kieran got in deep with the guards and helped them with their taxes and in return, the guards gave him a box of cigarettes or "prick sticks" for his good work. Shortly before his release in April, Kylie was involved in what seems to be the worst Prison-Pirate fight ever, it took place in the basketball courts one afternoon when pirates sailed into the hoop. During this fight, Kylie stabbed approximately 6 pirates and 4 prison cell-mates, he was looked down upon for this but shortly redeemed himself when he sang "Papa don't preach" live at the soup kitchen. Upon release, Kylie was rewarded a medal for his artwork in the roof of the porn dungeon, one artist described this masterpiece similar to Michelangelo's great work in the sistine chapel. However this artist was blind and other artists and critics claim his work to be "a big heaping bowl of shite". The Mugging On the 4th of October 2009 Kylie was mugged in Burnside while walking to his friend Gibby's house. The mugger used such classic lines as "Do you have fags mate" also "Do you have the time". Kylie, ignoring the mugger's demands was attacked ruthlessly with a bag of bottles. Kylie then jumped up from the ground and unleashed a lethal attack on the villain, he then apparently fell over a curb and the attacker & his girlfriend started to kick him. Fortunately Kylie managed to pile drive the guy into insanity and made a daring escape from the scene of the crime. During the fight Kylie lost his headphones but managed to steal the ruthless crook's keys and pocket knife. This is the events as they happened, or they might just be a heap of bullshit Kylie made up to impress people, the verdict is still out. Kylie made it home with a barely passable black eye, a few cuts & scrapes and an interesting story (for a change). The Bearded Years Since the beginning of the month of November, Kylie has been pursing a career in the field of growing a beard. At first his beard was mocked by the press as "nothing but face hair" and "early werewolf symptoms", however these claims dispersed after a few days where Kylie gained more facial hair at an alarming rate. The beard soon reached such a large size that it began to control his mind, making him much smarter than he previously was. Kylie, with his obtained intellect then joined Harvard University to study nano-physics, a course which he is excelling at. But, members of the public have began to speak out against him as his beard gives him a rugged (and not in the handsome way) or pedophilic appearance and children have began to fear him. On December 13th 2009 Kylie attempted to shave his beard, however the beard proved to be stronger than steel and doctors have deemed it may need to be treated with a power sander. The "Zebra" Form At an early age, Kylie was cursed by a gypsy so that he would turn into a zebra when he least expects it. During this form, Kieran gains more hair all over his body and less on his face, his hooves become bigger along with his tail and then he begins to walk on all four feet, no longer speak english and fart uncontrollably. While he is a zebra, Kylie likes to go out for a high class night on the town visiting many critically acclaimed "zebra suited" restaurants, on these nights he usually hunts for a girl/female zebra/fitzy.